Love Swing

Once you’ve explored some basic erotic scenarios or toyed with the toys, your mind may start to turn toward other forms of sex play. We’re talking about what you thought we were talking about: bondage, dominance/submission, spanking. In short, the supercharged erotic stuff you always thought of as being at the edge of your sexual horizon.

One look at the back of the classifieds confirms it. Sometimes it seems like half the country is into dominance, the other half submission.

Popular as it is, the notion persists that the dominance/submission scene is a back-alley phenomenon that has no place in a solid relationship. A relationship is the best place to engage in this kind of erotic behavior if you’re so inclined.

Why? Because, it relates to couples‘ fantasies—her romance- novel ravishment, his call of the wild. Because it’s a potential mine of mutual pleasure that couples can help each other explore. And, if it includes bondage, because it’s most safely done in a relationship.

“If it’s a situation where you’re going to be tied up or restrained in any way, don’t do it with a stranger,” “That’s too dangerous. You do something like that with somebody you’re connected with.”

Letting one partner dominate the other in an exaggerated way can be a popular form of sex play among couples because it taps into a key element of their sex lives. When you think about it, little mini- dominations go on all the time while you’re having sex. Somebody decides we’re going to stop kissing now. Somebody decides we’re going to roll over this way. “All these things have to do with who’s in charge, who’s running things at the moment.”

Pull that little thread of thought, and you have a long string that can lead to a dominant/submissive scenario. Maybe you like it when you do most of the leading. Maybe sometimes it’s nice when she does all of the leading. Maybe one day you just lie back while she does whatever she wants to you. Then vice versa. By then, maybe a little cord around the wrists and the bedposts is just the next step.

Which doesn’t, by the way, lead to harder stuff. The point of light bondage within a marriage is to increase sexual pleasure by exaggerating (with the aid of knots) the role of doer and done-to, even to the point of imposing “discipline.” But that doesn’t mean the next thing you know you have a Harley- Davidson on your king-size and a wife in jackboots. “The whips-and-chains thing is an extreme version with a particular look to it,” “That’s not what it’s all about.”

A lot of people, perhaps assuming that all that kinky stuff is the same, confuse sexual spanking with the discipline aspect of some dominant/submissive behavior. “Spanking is very different from bondage,” Dr. Hawkins says. “People who are into spanking basically really like the spanking itself. There’s seldom any bondage or discipline attached to it.”

Again, spanking is a turn-on for some couples because it grows out of what they like to do in their “normal” sex life. Some fanny-slapping during intercourse—he to her in the rear-entry position, she to him in the missionary—seems almost natural and very pleasant to a lot of people。

Turning one another over the knee is just formalizing the issue. If you’re interested in pursuing this form of erotic play, proceed carefully. To keep it fun and safe for both of you, here are some ground rules.

Find a starting point. Don’t dive right into the deep end. Test the shallow waters first. It’s not like you have to be tied up tonight. “If you’re looking for that feeling of being dominated or dominating, you can find an easy place to start and work your way from there,” she says. That could mean clasping the headboard with untied hands instead of tying yourself to it, or adding a few extra slaps during intercourse instead of full-fledged spanking.

Tie it lightly. Many couples find that light tying with ribbons is all they really need for dominant/submissive pleasure. “It’s the symbolism that counts,” Dr. Weston says. “Tying somebody up with ribbons is not going to keep them tied up. But it makes it clear who’s in charge and who’s receiving.”

In fact, she says, you can do it with nothing but thread, which is hard not to break during sex. Then turn it around by threatening to stop what you’re doing if she breaks the thread.

Keep it fun. Even if she’s not against it, the idea of an offbeat scenario can be intimidating to your partner. How would you feel if somebody bigger than you told you out of the blue that he’d like to spank you? Don’t let things sound frightening to her. Try the humor route as well as switching the initial spanker and spankee. “It’s lessoffensive to her,” “Say, ‘You know, I’ve been a bad boy and I’d like you to spank me.’ She might have a lot of fun doing it.”

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