Love Swing

Communication researchers call it the “beam-me-up-Scotty response.” It’s that moment when a man feels so overwhelmed by his partner’s endless tirade about whatever that he looks up to the heavens, hoping an intergalactic rescue squad will transport him to someplace more pleasant. Say, perhaps, a planet of Amazon-like women in formfitting uniforms.

But odds are that those Amazon babes would speak a different language, and the poor guy is already having enough trouble communicating with this woman he happens to love right here on Planet Earth.

Communication. All the love, compatibility, and good intentions in the world can’t make up for two people who can’t get through to each other.

“When there’s good communication, both people are staying centered within the conversation”. “These skills aren’t something we’re born with, however. You have to learn them, whether you’re doing the talking or the listening.”

Sexual Expressing Rules

“Successful communication depends on three things: knowing what you want to say, saying it in an effective way, and then giving someone a chance to respond honestly”.

This description of successful communication holds true for “low-ticket” chats (”Who’s picking up the dry cleaning?”) as well as “high- ticket” discussions (”Why were you staring at that woman?”). Both types of conversations require you to follow the same set of rules.

Observe the speed limit. You discover that your partner has bounced two checks, and without thinking, you call her up at work and demand to know how she could be so irresponsible. In the heat of the moment, you’ve forgotten that not only does your wife take care of two children and have a job but she has never before overdrawn on your joint account. There’s a good chance that your words don’t match what you mean.

“We often react so quickly and unconsciously to a situation that we never stop to ask ourselves how we really feel before we blurt out words that we don’t really mean”. In order to say what you want to say effectively, you need to learn to check your feelings and identify your thoughts. “People need to communicate in the 20 to 80 miles-per-hour zone”. “It’s difficult to feel your feelings and edit yourself at the same time.”

Choose your words carefully. “There are remarks that sow and remarks that reap,” said the Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein. So let’s say your wife did bounce two checks. You know that she is generally a responsible person, so she probably doesn’t even realize it happened. What should you say? There are basically three choices. You could say nothing and simply let it go, or you could open with a statement that provides information (”The bank sent us a letter saying two checks have bounced”). Or you could broach the topic with emotion, as in a question that demands information (”How come you bounced two checks?”). It’s clear that one sentence conveys feeling and judgment, while the other doesn’t.

The distinction may seem subtle, but the responses from your partner are likely to be very different. The nonjudgmental opening probably would elicit “Really? Which two? What happened?” The judgmental, emotional version would likely draw a defense: “I did? How do you know it was me? Maybe it was you.”

If you’ve checked your emotions before speaking, it will be a lot easier to choose your words carefully. If you’re not sure what you want to say, take the time you need to figure it out before opening your mouth.

Show her you’re listening. It sounds simple, but to be an effective listener, you must demonstrate to the other person that you really hear what they’re saying. This can vary from a simple nod of acknowledgment, to paraphrasing what was said, to advice- giving. “In general, you can respond in a warm or cold manner to something another person says”. “Cold responses will rarely get communication off the ground.”

If your partner has complained that you don’t listen to her, ask yourself if it’s true. Perhaps you’re preoccupied with your own thoughts. Or maybe you’re not responding verbally or even smiling when she’s finished talking.

This spells double trouble for men because women need this kind of feedback and are used to receiving it from their femalefriends. That means that men often appear even more distant to women than they realize. Remember, unless you’re hanging around the female version of the Amazing Kreskin, there’s no reason to assume that another person can read your mind. Let her know that you heard what she said, or give a supportive comment

(”That must have been hard”). Somehow let her know that you’re there with her and that what she says matters to you.

If you ever find yourself turning away from your partner without any sort of active response to her attempts at communication, at least raise your head and look into her eyes. In the end, a cold shoulder is the loudest message of all.

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