Your testosterone levels have dropped—not much, but enough to change the nature of your sexuality to the good. You’re less aggressive, less demanding, and less orgasm-driven.

Your mate, meanwhile, has come more than halfway to meet you. She’s still eager for orgasm, but she has learned how to help herself instead of jumping all over your back about it.

Still, you’re more than able to do your part because (partly through some overall slowing, but mostly because you’re more experienced) you now generally last longer before ejaculating.

Indeed, the biggest sexual challenges of your forties aren’t physical but social. “In your forties, you’re both burdened with a lot of responsibilities, like young children, old parents, mortgages, career crises—all that stuff.”

Know your hormones. Hormones, especially your testosterone and her estrogen, are powerful forces, but so are your good judgment and common sense: “Information is power”. “Your hormones are on duty 24 hours a day. If you don’t know what’s going on, they will govern your life like tyrants.”

“My hormones made me do it” won’t cut it today. “You can influence your hormones by the choices you make and the behavior you choose to follow”. “That’s the difference between us and the lower animals.”

Face the changes together. Privately brooding about your ^-slowing down” or secretly resenting her growing assertiveness is no way to deal with changing sexual needs in a relationship. You’re in this together. “Negotiate these changes together, and your relationship will end up stronger and better”. “If you don’t work them through, they’ll zap you upside the head or on some more tender spot.”

You have an ally in all this, assuming that you’re still in love. “During any of these stages, love bridges the broadest gaps”.

But a checklist won’t find you the buried pleasure. Not all zones are equally erogenous for all people. Besides, what are you supposed to do with a zone once you know about it? Rub it? Prod it? Lick it?

Better to just try everything, everywhere. That’s where massage comes in. There are two ways of going about giving sensual, erotic massages to your beloved. One is to get the books, buy the tapes, take the courses, and wait several months to become an expert amateur. The other? Just do it.

“Just start rubbing,” “Touch her with affection all over the place.”

Unfortunately, we often don’t notice how far a woman falls short of our ideal until we’re well into the relationship, “Somehow the chemistry of falling in love clouds a lot of cognitive judgment. People come together but don’t talk about vital, obvious things.”

And we’re talking vital—like whether she wants to have children, believes in fidelity, enjoys sex, or goes to church on Sunday. Why do we overlook such traits as her complete lack of cooking skills, her nasty habit of eating crumb- producing foods in bed, her low level of sexual desire until much, much too late? We miss them because there’s nothing rational about falling in love.

“When a couple meets, they fall into romantic love, and that’s not real love,” “Romantic love is based on the desire to have the perfect love you may not have received as a child. It is supported by chemical changes in your body. It feels really great. But eventually, reality sets in and you realize you are not getting the love you want.”

Also, early in a relationship most of us feel uncomfortable talking about touchy topics such as babies, sex, and chores. Who wants to get in a fight and suddenly lose the greatest person in the universe? So we date on and assume she’s our everything—until we find out, too late, she’s not. Instead, you and she will have a much easier time of it if you spend time finding out how you’re able to fulfill each other’s dreams— and how you’re not. Here’s how you can do exactly that.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards probably aren’t the first guys you’d turn to for advice on how to build a strong, lasting re lationship (although Under My Thumb does have a certain appeal, at times). But in this case, the Glimmer Twins hit the nail on the head: “You can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need.”

That, friends, is what it comes down to: identifying what you’d like to have and what you need to have in your relationship. Think about the qualities in a mate that are important to you. Are you looking for someone who will have dinner on the table or someone who brings home the bacon? Someone who holds her own with the boys or someone who leaves the room when your buddies come over? Now talk about your major expectations with her and find out where she stands.

See the future in your past. Regardless of whether you admit it, you’ll expect your relationship to work out much the same as your parents’. If your mother always picked up your father’s dirty socks and lined up his shoes, guess what? You’ll be expecting your wife to do the same. If her parents never fought about issues, she‘ll expect to sweep problems under the rug.

You can identify such expectations by talking about your families. Tell her how men acted in your family. Hear her talk about how women acted in hers. This is how you root out conflicting expectations—like discovering that her mom and dad took turns cooking dinner, while your mom did all the cooking. Going over family history helps you temper future expectations.

Finish the sentence. Here’s a little gimmick that can help you uncover your expectations. To find out what preconceived notions you and your partner have regarding marriage, complete the following sentence: “Marriage is…” You can also do the same with other topics, such as parenthood, fidelity, and commitment.

Fantasize together. Obviously, some of the things you dream up you never truly expect to act on—having a beautiful stranger perform oral sex on you in the middle of a crowded train station, let’s say. Some sexual fantasies, however, really count as secret wishes. Talking about your sexual fantasies lets you and your partner know where boundaries exist—and where they don’t. Doing this before making a serious commitment together can help you make sure that you are playing on the same field. Of course, it can also destroy a relationship if too much is revealed too soon. Use common sense. As you build a bond, you can ‘afford’ to be more and more honest about your real selves without threatening your relationship.

Wait For June Cleaver. Often we expect that our home life will mirror the home life that we enjoyed as children—except that Mom stayed home, while your partner most likely works. So your home won’t ever look as Good Housekeeping-perfect as the home that you grew up in. Neither of you has all day to clean. And don’t expect a gourmet three-course meal waiting when you walk in the door. Most likely, she’s walking in the door at the same time. Also, she won’t always be in the mood to bring you a beer on the couch—no matter how domestic she is.

Banking on frequent sex. You can’t expect to have sex—or for her to want to have sex—five times a week in your fifties like you did in your twenties. Age does affect desire to some extent.

Assuming you speak the same language. Your definition of soon probably isn’t the same as your partner’s. To avoid conflict, verify what your partner means with vague words such as later, clean, and not too expensive.

Expecting the same expectations. Give up on this idea fast. You have only a minuscule chance that she will expect the same things from you that you expect from her.

Trying to guess correctly. You can’t assume that you know how to romance her, how to please her sexually, how to tell when she’s upset. If you really want to know, you’ll have to ask her for the answers. And you’ll get to know each other more and more fully and accurately as time goes by.

Well, sure, if you want expected, convenient, dutifully delivered sex. Why not just call for a pizza while you’re at it?

If, on the other hand, you’d prefer to keep sex as thrilling and fulfilling during your relationship as it was before the commitment, keep your seduction kit in a handy place. You need it more than ever. Seduction is the ventilation that keeps the fire burning.

But let’s be clear about this. By seduction, we mean seduction. As in courting, sparking, pitching woo—what a sex therapist might call pleasuring. But mostly, we’re talking about making her feel wanted enough to consider giving in to your desire, and then making her feel confident enough to do more than just consider it.

So forget all those Cosmo-inspired clown acts that put her in Saran Wrap and you in a G-string and half a tuxedo. The fine art of romantic persuasion doesn’t have to turn into some crazy caricature of itself. “I can’t think of anything less exciting than coming home drag-ass tired and seeing my partner prancing about in some ridiculous getup.”

Don’t get us wrong. Fun and games have their place. But seduction is something else, something far more effective (not to mention more dignified) as a sex motivator on a daily basis. That’s because continued courtship works. It works to get her in the mood. And it works to get you in the mood.

Building Anticipation

For one, it kindles that most delicious of all sexual feelings—anticipation. Sexual spontaneity may get all the good press, but anticipation, nurtured along by your seduction skills, is where the thrill is at. A delay between the idea and its fulfillment heightens the entire experience.

Believe it or not, that’s even more true in a relationship (when you’re pretty sure of a successful seduction) than it was back in your willshe-or-won’t-she days. For that, you can thank something called the partner engagement theory.

“That’s where the arousal builds because of who your partner is and what she means to you”. “It’s why the mushy, romantic stuff is so important.”

Also, by setting out to seduce your wife, you remind yourself that she’s your ultimate sexual conquest. Admit it—you do tend to overlook that sometimes, don’t you? Well, don’t feel guilty. It’s common in the best relationships.

“Men tend to ‘neuter’ their wives over time”, “We see them as companions, as partners, as helpmates, as co-parents, as co-managers of the household, as every wonderful thing there is except sexual objects.”

The key to availing yourself of seduction’s sex- enhancing power is convincing yourself to do it. The rest is easy. There are a million and one seduction techniques, and we offer a mere fraction of those below.

Do it her way. Seduction may tum both of you on, but don’t forget ifs her you’re trying to seduce.

Remember, women place a lot of importance on the more tender signs of affection. She probably won’t like it if you sneak up behind her to pinch a breast and bite an ear, and there’s no way she’s going to interpret that as seduction. On the other hand, a longer then-usual goodbye kiss in the morning with a meaningful “I’ll see you tonight”—now you’re getting somewhere. “It has to be something that she can easily interpret and appredate”, “Seduction has to be romantic.“

Create the mood. Don’t wait until one or both of you is “in the mood.” That’s cheating. Waiting is the opposite of seduction. The whole point is to create the mood, even if you’re creating it in yourself as well as in her. Don’t look for the conditions that will lead to the best sex. Plan them.

Start early. Women are more enthusiastic about lovemaking at night if they feel connected with you throughout the day. A little extra attention at the breakfast table, followed up by an afternoon I-love-you phone call, will pay big dividends come bedtime.

Take the hint. Women are even more into this seduction thing than you are. After all, the romantic side of sex is their specialty. But their technique can be subtle, like leaving that sinful little negligee around someplace where you’re sure to see it. So look alive and helpher out. “She can be setting things up with sexy little hints”.

Do the little things. Seduction doesn’t have to be a big production. Courtship behavior can consist of small touches. Literally. “Hold her hand,” “A little extra touch here or there is very exciting to a woman.”

If you haven’t been pushing a lot of envelopes in the bedroom lately, don’t feel like you’re pulling down the average. Good old- fashioned, no-frills loving is still the best loving.

“You ought to be a good sex partner first”. “Then sex doesn’t need a hell of a lot of other stuff. There’s something about lust and enthusiasm that does more than any ‘extras.

The lust and enthusiasm can use some help sometimes. That’s where creating an elevated erotic context comes into the picture. Here are some suggestions to help get you started in a fun, nonthreatening way.

Do it your way.

Okay, you’re convinced. Erotic enhancement is just the ticket. Horizons, prepare to be broadened. Which way to the whips and chains department?

Whoa, boy. Forget the Top 10 List of Most Erotic Scenarios. Your new sex scenarios should be extensions of what the two of you find arousing, not impositions from outside sources. If she doesn’t even like it when you pat her behind, how’s she going to enjoy spanking?

“Don’t do something that’s bizarre just to bring in something new”. “Be creative, but if something doesn’t follow from your established sexual patterns, it’s going to do more harm than good. Build on who you are and what you want.”

Be flexible.

When it comes to erotic sex play, there’s more than one way to play, especially when the two of you put your heads together. But make sure that the two of you are in agreement when you set out. And don’t feel rejected if she’s not big on your idea of erotic. “It’s a mistake to think that if she rejects your suggestion, the whole deal is broken. Expand the options.” Sooner or later you’ll find some thing you both like.

Get tickled pink.

Many of the different erotic games people play often involve intense sensations—it’s one of the reasons bondage and spanking have such a following. If you’re curious about exploring the whole intense- sensation genre, start small. “Some people, because their bodies are quite sensitive to it, love tickling”. “Others hate it.” That pretty much sums up what intense sensation is all about as sex play, but those who love it rave about it. Especially tickling. Just punch up the word on an Internet search and you’ll get the idea. Many orgasms are reached by tickling alone. “But it makes them feel good”.

“Sure, we struggle against the feeling at first,” “but what seems like irritation will turn to ecstasy when you finally tickle the right places, in the right way.”

Flash each other.

As you know, visual stimulation is the penultimate erotic tool, and one of the reasons why some people wear outrageous costumes or play into different roles.

It’s also the reason that the Victoria’s Secret catalog is so popular. You should absolutely incorporate visual stimuli into your sex games. One of the easiest ways is to strip for each other, an activity that requires no special skills (you already do it every day) and no expensive costumes. Consider: An overwhelming number of men (93 percent) and women (81 percent) love to watch their partners undress, according to the Sex in America survey.

You have lightning in a bottle there, but not enough couples take advantage of the potential it offers for erotic scenarios. “Try to catch her from a different angle”. “Encourage her to let you catch a peek here and there, as if she didn’t know you were looking.” Flashing and the striptease scenario are there for the exploiting. So why settle for just kicking – off your clothes as though you were in a locker room? “Keep the excitement alive”.

Go public…discreetly.

If the fear-of-getting-caught scenario is your bag or you just have some exhibitionist tendencies as a couple, consider playing it out in ways that will get you excited—but not caught. Touching each other under the water in a crowded pool or at the beach is a reasonable (and thrilling) compromise. Or wandering fingers under an ample tablecloth at a packed restaurant can embellish the menu. “It’s really pseudo-exhibitionism”. “It’s the unexpectedness, the freshness, that makes it a hot experience.”

But odds are that those Amazon babes would speak a different language, and the poor guy is already having enough trouble communicating with this woman he happens to love right here on Planet Earth.

Communication. All the love, compatibility, and good intentions in the world can’t make up for two people who can’t get through to each other.

“When there’s good communication, both people are staying centered within the conversation”. “These skills aren’t something we’re born with, however. You have to learn them, whether you’re doing the talking or the listening.”

Sexual Expressing Rules

“Successful communication depends on three things: knowing what you want to say, saying it in an effective way, and then giving someone a chance to respond honestly”.

This description of successful communication holds true for “low-ticket” chats (”Who’s picking up the dry cleaning?”) as well as “high- ticket” discussions (”Why were you staring at that woman?”). Both types of conversations require you to follow the same set of rules.

Observe the speed limit. You discover that your partner has bounced two checks, and without thinking, you call her up at work and demand to know how she could be so irresponsible. In the heat of the moment, you’ve forgotten that not only does your wife take care of two children and have a job but she has never before overdrawn on your joint account. There’s a good chance that your words don’t match what you mean.

“We often react so quickly and unconsciously to a situation that we never stop to ask ourselves how we really feel before we blurt out words that we don’t really mean”. In order to say what you want to say effectively, you need to learn to check your feelings and identify your thoughts. “People need to communicate in the 20 to 80 miles-per-hour zone”. “It’s difficult to feel your feelings and edit yourself at the same time.”

Choose your words carefully. “There are remarks that sow and remarks that reap,” said the Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein. So let’s say your wife did bounce two checks. You know that she is generally a responsible person, so she probably doesn’t even realize it happened. What should you say? There are basically three choices. You could say nothing and simply let it go, or you could open with a statement that provides information (”The bank sent us a letter saying two checks have bounced”). Or you could broach the topic with emotion, as in a question that demands information (”How come you bounced two checks?”). It’s clear that one sentence conveys feeling and judgment, while the other doesn’t.

The distinction may seem subtle, but the responses from your partner are likely to be very different. The nonjudgmental opening probably would elicit “Really? Which two? What happened?” The judgmental, emotional version would likely draw a defense: “I did? How do you know it was me? Maybe it was you.”

If you’ve checked your emotions before speaking, it will be a lot easier to choose your words carefully. If you’re not sure what you want to say, take the time you need to figure it out before opening your mouth.

Show her you’re listening. It sounds simple, but to be an effective listener, you must demonstrate to the other person that you really hear what they’re saying. This can vary from a simple nod of acknowledgment, to paraphrasing what was said, to advice- giving. “In general, you can respond in a warm or cold manner to something another person says”. “Cold responses will rarely get communication off the ground.”

If your partner has complained that you don’t listen to her, ask yourself if it’s true. Perhaps you’re preoccupied with your own thoughts. Or maybe you’re not responding verbally or even smiling when she’s finished talking.

This spells double trouble for men because women need this kind of feedback and are used to receiving it from their femalefriends. That means that men often appear even more distant to women than they realize. Remember, unless you’re hanging around the female version of the Amazing Kreskin, there’s no reason to assume that another person can read your mind. Let her know that you heard what she said, or give a supportive comment

(”That must have been hard”). Somehow let her know that you’re there with her and that what she says matters to you.

If you ever find yourself turning away from your partner without any sort of active response to her attempts at communication, at least raise your head and look into her eyes. In the end, a cold shoulder is the loudest message of all.

“Couples have a private language just like twins, prisoners, and fraternity brothers”. “It helps solidify the bond between two people, especially during the early years of a relationship.”

Using a secret language usually starts by the creation of pet names, such as “Tiger” or “Slim,” then builds to include code names for other people, such as “Rick Drunk” for his buddy down at the bar or “The Great Big No” for a certain mother-in-law. Finally, the secret language fills up with special phrases. “Isn’t it time to walk the dog?” can mean “Let’s split this party, go home, and make monkey love.”

Just like pig Latin, uttering secret phrases and pet words allows the two of you to create a world of your own. “Pet names and inside jokes usually fade away after six years or so,” “especially after a relationship gains some stability.”

The hummer. Add a little vibration to your osculation by humming as you press her lips. Talk about a buzz. You can work your way up from a monotone hum through a melody you both like and on to Beethoven’s Ninth. And by the way, the humming is even more titillating when the venue is moved further south on the body map.

The vacuum. It’s the Coneheads’ favorite. Tone it down a bit, though, and you have yourself a slightly silly but very sexy kissing riff. What you do is (gently, nicely, slowly) suck some of the air out of your lover’s mouth as you kiss. Don’t laugh until you’ve tried it.

The upside-downer. Nothing like a new angle to change your view of what a kiss should be. You can do it by leaning over her from behind while she’s sitting and you’re standing. Or lie on a bed with her feet facing east and yours west. The point is that top lips are touching bottom lips.

The shocker. This one was big in the 1930s and 1940s. Rub your feet back and forth on a rug to build up a static charge before you move in for the smacker. It’s a great way to put the spark back in your kissing. For the record, rug-rubbing is the safe way to do it. We won’t even mention what those prewar teenagers did with battery cable clips and wall sockets.

The sweet thing. You may even have tried this one in your teens. All you do is pass a piece of candy back and forth as you smooch. Why should it just be kid stuff? It never hurts a relationship to be more sharing. Mints and hard candy drops work best.

One look at the back of the classifieds confirms it. Sometimes it seems like half the country is into dominance, the other half submission.

Popular as it is, the notion persists that the dominance/submission scene is a back-alley phenomenon that has no place in a solid relationship. A relationship is the best place to engage in this kind of erotic behavior if you’re so inclined.

Why? Because, it relates to couples‘ fantasies—her romance- novel ravishment, his call of the wild. Because it’s a potential mine of mutual pleasure that couples can help each other explore. And, if it includes bondage, because it’s most safely done in a relationship.

“If it’s a situation where you’re going to be tied up or restrained in any way, don’t do it with a stranger,” “That’s too dangerous. You do something like that with somebody you’re connected with.”

Letting one partner dominate the other in an exaggerated way can be a popular form of sex play among couples because it taps into a key element of their sex lives. When you think about it, little mini- dominations go on all the time while you’re having sex. Somebody decides we’re going to stop kissing now. Somebody decides we’re going to roll over this way. “All these things have to do with who’s in charge, who’s running things at the moment.”

Pull that little thread of thought, and you have a long string that can lead to a dominant/submissive scenario. Maybe you like it when you do most of the leading. Maybe sometimes it’s nice when she does all of the leading. Maybe one day you just lie back while she does whatever she wants to you. Then vice versa. By then, maybe a little cord around the wrists and the bedposts is just the next step.

Which doesn’t, by the way, lead to harder stuff. The point of light bondage within a marriage is to increase sexual pleasure by exaggerating (with the aid of knots) the role of doer and done-to, even to the point of imposing “discipline.” But that doesn’t mean the next thing you know you have a Harley- Davidson on your king-size and a wife in jackboots. “The whips-and-chains thing is an extreme version with a particular look to it,” “That’s not what it’s all about.”

A lot of people, perhaps assuming that all that kinky stuff is the same, confuse sexual spanking with the discipline aspect of some dominant/submissive behavior. “Spanking is very different from bondage,” Dr. Hawkins says. “People who are into spanking basically really like the spanking itself. There’s seldom any bondage or discipline attached to it.”

Again, spanking is a turn-on for some couples because it grows out of what they like to do in their “normal” sex life. Some fanny-slapping during intercourse—he to her in the rear-entry position, she to him in the missionary—seems almost natural and very pleasant to a lot of people。

Turning one another over the knee is just formalizing the issue. If you’re interested in pursuing this form of erotic play, proceed carefully. To keep it fun and safe for both of you, here are some ground rules.

Find a starting point. Don’t dive right into the deep end. Test the shallow waters first. It’s not like you have to be tied up tonight. “If you’re looking for that feeling of being dominated or dominating, you can find an easy place to start and work your way from there,” she says. That could mean clasping the headboard with untied hands instead of tying yourself to it, or adding a few extra slaps during intercourse instead of full-fledged spanking.

Tie it lightly. Many couples find that light tying with ribbons is all they really need for dominant/submissive pleasure. “It’s the symbolism that counts,” Dr. Weston says. “Tying somebody up with ribbons is not going to keep them tied up. But it makes it clear who’s in charge and who’s receiving.”

In fact, she says, you can do it with nothing but thread, which is hard not to break during sex. Then turn it around by threatening to stop what you’re doing if she breaks the thread.

Keep it fun. Even if she’s not against it, the idea of an offbeat scenario can be intimidating to your partner. How would you feel if somebody bigger than you told you out of the blue that he’d like to spank you? Don’t let things sound frightening to her. Try the humor route as well as switching the initial spanker and spankee. “It’s lessoffensive to her,” “Say, ‘You know, I’ve been a bad boy and I’d like you to spank me.’ She might have a lot of fun doing it.”

Sex toys are among the most used, and often most effective, methods of expanding one’s sexual boundaries. Often,couples are looking for something to re-ignite their sexual fires, and sex toys can really fit the hill. Toys perhaps qualify more as sensation-intensifiers than as erotic scenario props, although your creative imagination can meld the categories. At any rate, they pass the extend-your-regular-pattern test since they basially accomplish what you’re usually trying to do–stimulate each other’s genitals. These days, they’re easily and discretely available by mail. Two of the more reputable suppliers are Good Vibrations and the Xandria Collection in

Brisbane, California. If you decide to go toy shopping, here’s an idea of the sort of products you’ll find.

Vibrators. Whether it’s an innocent “self-massage” unit or a phallic-shaped pulsating object, this is far and away the most popular category of sex toy. The average price for a basic, battery-powered novelty item can be less than $10. Big electric massage unit/vibrators come with multiple attachments for different sensations and can cost as much as $60.

Dildos Not to be confused with vibrators, dildos usually don’t pulsate, but they’re typically phallic-shaped and are meant to be inserted in your partner’s vagina (much smaller ones can be used for anal pleasuring and are known as anal plugs). Some are even quite arty—shaped like whales and dolphins. The best dildos are made of silicone, which cleans easily and retains body heat, so they don’t feel so cold when they’re used. Prices can range anywhere from $10 to $65.

Constrictor rings. When placed on the base of the penis, the ring (often called a cock ring) traps blood in the erectile chamber, making you harder longer. Some of them also have tiny vibrators attached, so that during intercourse, women feel that sensation. “And it’s sort of the male equivalent of lingerie,” “It adds kind of a visual element to sex play.” Just make sure that you don’t wear one for longer than 20 minutes at a time because rings cut off blood flow to the penis. If fresh blood doesn’t get pumped in there, you could be looking at tissue damage. Stick with rings that are easier to take off like elastic or latex rings, or try a leather ring with snaps or a Velcro release. Typical cost: $3.50 to $20.

Lubricants. These are great sensation-enhancers for both of you, but especially for her. As women get older, they lubricate less and it takes them longer to become aroused. Luckily, there are many commercial lubricants to choose from that mimic the properties of a woman’s natural fluids. Astroglide and K-Y Jelly are two examples.

A lot of couples are embarrassed to buy sex toys and aids. “But there definitely are plenty of people out there who take that leap and try something new.” Maybe you could be one of them.

And the beauty of it is, you can do all that without feeling guilty. You don’t even have to worry about safe sex. You know why? Because fantasies aren’t real.

Well, duh, you’re probably saying to yourself. But it’s not so obvious to most men. “A lot of people are walking around with the notion that if they fantasize about something, it means they really would go out and do it.”

And while you’re at it, get rid of the notion that your daydream date with last night’s waitress means you’re losing interest in your full- time, real-world partner. Or that her closed-eyes encounters with Kevin Costner in his Robin Hood outfit reflect on your desirability to her. Fantasies don’t work that way.

If they did, they wouldn’t be very good fantasies. If Jenny McCarthy really invited you to her suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel, you’d probably spend more time worrying about your clothes oryour breath or what to bring with you than what you were going to do with her. Those concerns don’t even exist in fantasies. “Nothing in fantasies relates to reality,” “In fantasies, you don’t think about what you’re wearing or how you smell. There’s no concern for outcome.”

Here again, men and women part ways in their approach to kissing. Men see it as simply a prelude to intercourse; women see it as much more. “From a guy’s point of view, it may seem strange to kiss just for the sake of kissing,” Cane says. “But that’s what women say they like.”

Despite conducting countless surveys and interviews to come up with his compendium of osculation preferences, Cane came across very few guys who put kissing, in and of itself, high on their list of sexual pleasures. But that doesn’t mean men aren’t capable of enjoying smooch sessions for their own sake. “I definitely think men can enjoy kissing if they let themselves,” Cane says.

Kissing = Sex

Kissing is a “barometer to measure the degree of intimacy and passion between a couple.” To keep the barometer readings the way you want them, their advice is straightforward and to the point: “Kiss daily. Kiss softly and tenderly. Kiss passionately and warmly. Kiss when you feel sad. Kiss when you feel happy.”

“To get what you want, you have to understand what she wants,” Cane says. “Women want kisses. Make the effort, and you’ll get your payoff.” We know you know how to kiss, but next time you start up a necking session with your honey, keep these pointers in the back of your mind.

Keep it up. Going through the motions just to get in enough required kissing time won’t cut it with her. She can tell. Get into the spirit of the thing. Kiss her until you’re sure that she has been thoroughly kissed. Then kiss her some more. “Remember, women like more kissing than men do,” Cane says.

“Once you’ve had enough doesn’t necessarily mean that she has.”

Watch your hands. It’s almost an automatic reflex. Your lips go to her lips, your hand goes to her breast. Or her buttocks. Or somewhere very personal. That’s fine at the right moment, but not every moment is the right moment. “Women often say that guys sexualize kissing too often,” Cane says. “They like sex, too, but not every time they’re kissed.”

And if you’re innocent? If you’re putting your hands there because it feels good, not because you want intercourse right this minute? Doesn’t matter. She‘ll usually interpret it as coercion anyway. So, Cane suggests, “stop your hands from wandering in such a way that makes her feel that she’s being led into sex. Just keep it nice and romantic sometimes.”

Find out what she likes. Kissing is supposed to be pleasure, so it should be pleasing to both of you. Each woman (and man) is unique, so pay attention to her physical and verbal messages to slow down, do more of that, or cut it out. This includes finding out how she wants to be kissed, and letting her know your own likes and dislikes.

Get around this by talking about your kissing preferences in a casual way when you’re not kissing, suggests Cane. That way neither of you will feel you’re being criticized for what you were just doing. And when you do bring it up, turn it into a fun thing. “Make it almost a game,” he says.

Dancing to music can help us to free ourselves both physically and emotionally. It is one of the most powerful mediums of celebration known to men and women. Rhythm and sound can evoke the sensuality of the body, the emotions of love and the feeling of spiritual awakening. All of these feelings can be manifested through physical movement; the stamping of feet and gyrating of the pelvis; the swaying of the body with arms uplifted as the heart is stirred, and the gentle, almost imperceptible motion which moves through the body like a quiet breeze when the mind is lulled and the soul is uplifted. Celebrate your body and its vitality together with your partner. Choose aromatic oils which will encourage each aspect of your nature to express itself through your movements. Choose your music carefully, so that at one time you can be totally in the physical sensations of your body, and another time in the expression of your feelings so that together you dance your love for each other. Clear your perfumed room so that you have the space to abandon yourself completely into movement. Remove your clothes so that you are naked and free, or leave on only those items which do not restrict you. Let go of your inhibitions and begin to dance, sometimes alone and sometimes together as the mood takes you. Find your own celebrative creativity and then let it harmonise with your lovers movements, so that it becomes one dance.

If you are dancing the dance of the wild, become free like a spirit of nature. Let your bodies go, stamping your feet and swaying your pelvis. Dance to the rhythm of music and the perfumes of patchouli, black pepper and orange, letting their earthy, warm and sunshine energies stir your passions.

On another occasion choose softer and more melodious music to express the more sensual and softer side of your nature. Be aware of the movements in your feet, legs and pelvis, but focus more on your upper body, especially on the belly and chest and let your arms open wide as your heart expands.

Breathe deeply as you move, letting your bodies synchronizetheir movement. To encourage your sensual, loving feelings, add sweet, heady ylang ylang to a blend of patchouli and black pepper (see Recipe 2) and put it in your scent burner.

RECIPE 1

Celebrating Sexuality

Patchouli, Black Pepper,
Orange
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:

2 drops Patchouli
3 drops Black Pepper
2 drops Orange

RECIPE 2

Celebrating Sensuality

_ylang Ylang, Black Pepper,
Patchouli

To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:

3 drops Ylang Ylang

3 drops Black Pepper
1 drop Patchouli

Sexuality is a doorway to life’s beautiful mysteries. It can answer our human needs and take us beyond them. The fusion of male and female energies in the context of love and awareness can become a transcendental experience. In this blissful experience lies sexuality’s spiritual potential.

The belief that sexuality can transform consciousness has been honoured in many traditions. It was known to the shamans of the native Americans, and was central to the sacred rituals of the ancient Egyptians and Greeks. The Taoist teachers of China instructed their pupils carefully in the art of love, not only in pursuit of longevity, but also for spiritual reasons. Disciples of the Tantric teachings of India practised sexo-yogic positions in pursuit of the state of enlightenment. In pagan and animist worship, people celebrated human sexuality as a tribute to the potency of nature. As more and more people these days seek to find more meaning in their lives, and to enhance their state of well-being, so there has been a considerable revival in the concept of meditative sexuality.

If this is of interest to you and your partner, you can explore this dimension of sexuality within your relationship. Learn to enjoy being with each other in this silent way. Massage each other regularly so your bodies become sensual and receptive and you become deeply in tune with each other.

When you are making love meditatively, you need to let go of thoughts and fantasies that take you away from the present moment. Focus completely on the here and now and each moment of being together. You will be making love in a cool way, rather than moving towards excitement and passion. When you feel yourselves becoming too aroused, slow down and breathe together. Try to keep your excitement level well below the threshold of orgasm but let yourselves fully experience each sensation of breath, and tactile contact. Stay deeply in tune with each other by breathing in harmony and making eye contact. Let your lovemaking become a slow and graceful dance, so your bodies move harmoniously as if they are melting together. Touch each other with deep respect to honour the body of your lover. Decide that on these special occasions of meditative lovemaking that you will try to abstain from orgasm.

This will help you to relax deeply together and remain in the moment because you have nothing to

Achieve except to surrender to the intimacy of the here and now. Do not worry, though, if passion takes over as you can always practise this method of lovemaking another time. If however, you do introduce meditation into your lovemaking, you will begin to feel its rewards as it brings you into harmony with one another.

To help you create an atmosphere conducive for meditative lovemaking, you can use a blend of frankincense, cedarwood and rose essential oils in your aromatherapy burner.

Frankincense, Cedarwood,
Rose
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
3 drops Frankincense
2 drops Cedanvood
2 drops Rose

Touch between lovers, whether it is in the context of massage or is part of their lovemaking, is a silent language through which you exchange deep communication. Verbally, you can say things without revealing your true emotions, but in the way you touch each other you can never lie. Your touch on your lover’s skin will speak directly to her heart, just as her skin responses will communicate her innermost feelings.

A loving touch during the time of foreplay and while making love should always honour the body of your partner. While stroking and caressing each other, try to remain in the present experience of sensation, rather than anticipating what will come next. Let every tender, erotic touch exist for its own sake and for the pleasure it brings rather than being a technique aimed at a pre-conceived goal. Let go of distracting thoughts and expectations, and pour yourself totally into your hands to stroke over the whole of your lover’s body, enjoying the feel of the skin and its underlying structure. The human body is wonderfully sensual with its rounded shapes and curves. Do not rush, but let your hands linger lovingly to fully appreciate each part of it. Bring the whole of your consciousness into your touch and begin to imagine what it feels like to your partner’s skin. Transport yourself into its very sensation, and as you do this, you will begin to feel as if the boundaries between your bodies are melting. Your touch and your lover’s sensation begin to merge into one phenomenon, and even as you caress it will seem as if your partner is stroking you.

Erotic touching can be as nurturing as any other loving touch. However well you know each other, touch each other as if you were exploring the body for the first time. Let your touch convey wonder and respect. To make your erotic touching even more exotic, blend some essential oils into a mix of richly-nutrient base oils such as jojoba and sweet almond, and apply to the skin. The woman can apply jasmine and bergamot to the man (Recipe 1), while neroli and geranium (Recipe 2) are the perfect blend for a woman’s skin.

RECIPE 1

For the Man

Jasmine, Bergamot
To 25m1 (5tsp) base oil mix
of jojoba and sweet almond
add the following:
7 drops jasmine
6 drops Bergamot

RECIPE 2

For the Woman

Neroli, Geranium
To 20m1 (4tsp) base oil mix
of jojoba and sweet almond
add the following:
7 drops Neroli
3 drops Geranium

Like the oils, making love will evoke and enhance your moods. It can bring you great happiness, it can make you laugh and it can move you to tears. It can involve every emotion within you as you let go deeply into your feelings. It can awaken every sense in your body, taking you on a journey from sweet tenderness to the ecstasy of wild abandonment. Its essential mood will change from one occasion to another, or even one moment to another, because how you make love will reflect your immediate state of being.

Let your lovemaking be a way of expressing yourselves and allow the uniqueness of your personalities to emerge. When you are in the spirit of fun, why not let your sexuality be playful? If you are seeking intimacy, then let it become a way of deep and gentle communication. Make it exquisitely tender whenever you feel sensitive or vulnerable. Go wild and abandon yourselves in the heat of passion or, be slow and meditative as you express the depth of your love.

Respond to each other’s needs too. If your partner is tired, then become the active partner, stroking and kissing away the stress as you take your lover into your arms. Let the experience of lovemaking nourish you as well as excite you. If you feel to communicate your needs, find the confidence to do so and be open to listening to your lover’s needs too.

Use the oils to help you obtain the greatest satisfaction from your lovelife. Each one of them will give you something to enhance your relationship. Invite them into your bedroom to awaken your senses and arouse your passion, heal and open your heart, and give you confidence, equality and self esteem. Allow them to be the magical messengers of love and sensuality.

RECIPE 1

Playful Lovemaking

Lime, Ginger, Lavender
‘Tn an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
2 drops Lime

2 drops Lavender

3 drops Ginger

RECIPE 2

Gentle lovemaking

Frankincense, Ylang Ylang,
Bergamot
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
3 drops Frankincense
2 drops Ylang Wang
2 drops Bergamot

Everyone goes through periods when their libido is low. This may be the result of stress, either at home or in work, when it seems impossible to free your mind from a web of worries. Serious stress can have a marked effect on your interest in sex, for it causes you to withdraw from your body and emotionally contract. If you are locked in problems, it seems hardly possible to surrender to the sensations of body pleasure. Or, if you are angry with your partner, and a situation remains unresolved, then it may not be possible to suddenly switch yourself back to warm and loving feelings. These are the times when understanding and support from your partner, can help you to resolve your tensions. The aromatic oils will assist you, and if you study their profiles, you can become familiar with their particular aphrodisiac or emotionally evocative properties. Try to understand exactly what is disturbing you and where your needs lay, so that you can carefully choose specific oils to enhance the sensuality of your body, soothe your mind, or raise your spirit — or oils which bring a balance between all three.

If you are a man, and you are planning to make love for the first time to a new partner, or if you have not made love for a long time, you may be anxious about the event. Take things slowly until you feel comfortable with your new partner, letting your sexual relationship unfold like a flower. If you have the opportunity, place a scent burner in your bedroom — your lover will appreciate its perfume (Recipe 1). If the problems are more long-term then ask an understanding partner to massage you regularly with the essential oils (Recipe 2). It may be necessary to seek professional help with your sexual problems, but the aromatic massage will help you relax your body, and ease sexual tensions while soothing your mind. Her touch will nurture you, helping you regain your self esteem.

Recipe 1

Sexual Anxiety

Clan Sage, Jasmine,
Patchouli

‘lb an aromatherapy burner add the following

4 drops Jasmine
I drop Clary Sage
I drop Patchouli
For massage:
To 25ml (5tsp) base oil mix of
above ingredients add:
7 drops Jasmine
3 drops Patchouli
3 dry; Clary Sage

Sexual Dysfunction

Jasmine, Sandalwood
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:
3 drops Jasmine
2 drops Sandalwood

Recipe 2

For massage:

To 25m1 (5tsp) base oil mix
of sweet almond and
grapeseed add the following:
6 drops Jasmine

5 drops Sandalwood

RECIPE 3

Raising Libido

Black Pepper, Ginger,
Sandalwood
To an aromatherapy burner add the following:
2 drops Black Pepper
3 drops Ginger

2 drops Sandalwood

For massage:

To base oil mix of above
mentioned ingredients add
the following:
3 drops Ginger,

3 drops Black Pepper

6 drops Sandalwood

Touch, when it comes from another person, affirms to us our self-worth. If we are touched with love, it makes us feel loveable. If we are never touched, we feel isolated and alone. Touch is a form of nourishment, feeding our bodies and minds and keeping us in contact with our innermost feelings.

A healthy and enlivened skin is therefore important to our overall well-being. Nourishing the skin with an essential oil blend and teasing it with loving, playful touches will help to keep it vital and responsive. Choose from one of the recipes shown here and spread the oil lightly over your partner’s bare skin, using your palms and fingers to stroke in downward flowing movements. This is not strictly a massage, but more an experience in skin sensation. Then begin to rake your fingertips down over the skin, one hand following the other in overlapping motions. See if she notices the difference in feeling between the pressure of the palms and the raking sensation of the fingertips. Then decrease the pressure even more, tracing the skin with feather touches, focusing them particularly on areas of highly sensitive soft skin. She will feel the nerve endings thrill and tingle to these tantalizing touches. Try the varying pressures on different parts of the body — the palms of the hands, the soles of the feet, the skin of the face and down the length of the spine. Run your fingertips with the barest touch over her lips, her ears or the back of her neck.

Some people find this type of touching highly erotic as the skin becomes suffused with sensual feelings. If you are applying the oils from Recipe 1, the basil essence will increase her responses to sensual touch, while the lavender and patchouli will soothe her skin. In Recipe 2, the aphrodisiac properties of neroli will complement its skin nurturing qualities. Bergamot will entice her, while black pepper will warm and seduce her.

Heightened awareness

Basil, Lavender, Patchouli

For overall skin contact

To 20m1 (4tsp) grapeseed
base oil for a tempting
touch or to 10m1 (2tsp)
grapeseed and 10m1 (2tsp)
avocado or jojoba for
lasting feeling add:
4 drops Basil
4 drops Lavender
2 drops Patchouli

Tantalizing

Neroli, Bergamot,
Black Pepper

For all over skin contact

To 20m1 (4tsp) base oil mix
of the above ingredients add:
4 drops Neroli
3 drops Bergamot
2 drops Black Pepper

While many of these “adult” movies are exclusively heterosexual in orientation, some of them also show two women or two men making love. If we can judge by the number of films that are rented that show women making love to each other in a primarily heterosexually oriented movie, men seem to get turned on by watching women making love to each other. On the other hand, there are few heterosexual movies available in video stores that show men engaged in sex with each other. Only rarely do women report being turned on by watching men engaged in homosexual acts in these adult videos.

Another interesting observation made by sex researchers is that both men and women, who have no inclination for any sexual contact with people of their own sex, may get turned on by watching two people of their own sex, engage in a homosexual act on the screen. For them, as long as this turn-on is limited to the screen, it is a safe, “exciting” turn-on that they will not try themselves. This also may apply to a variety of taboo acts often appearing in adult videos. From our point of view, as long as watching these exotic, different, and “forbidden” acts remains as visual images only (and there is a wide range of heterosexual acts that are equally taboo), these films could be used to enhance one’s sexual excitement.

It seems reasonable that adults may watch these movies in the privacy of their own homes, and the law protects our right to do so. Now, if there are some scenes or movies that are distasteful, don’t watch them. If a particular movie is not arousing, push fast forward and try another video some other time.

Remember, if you do find a scene especially erotic, go back and look at the scene over and over again until you have a vivid picture etched into your brain. By doing this, especially if you do this by yourself, you are educating your mind into a more sexual orientation and that should help you in your physical arousal. Later on, when you are with your partner, you may recall a particular scene for foreplay arousal. But for now just watch these movies and scenes by yourself in order to make your mind more erotically receptive through vicarious imagery.

When you watch these erotic movies by yourself, to enhance your erotic capabilities, create a romantic and receptive mood—for you—before you turn on DVD player. Approach these viewing sessions as if you were beginning a meditation session: Use time periods when you know you won’t be disturbed, dim the lights, take the phone off the hook, and sit or lie down in a comfortable spot. Make sure you don’t have to interfere with the viewing by doing the laundry, or worrying that you really should be grocery shopping or something else. Make sure you don’t have the noise of a washing machine or dishwasher to distract you. You will want to create a romantic mood, even though you are alone for these sessions. You might light some incense, if that is what you like, or have some wine, light a few candles, or whatever makes you feel romantic. Because you want to create a mood that is conducive for your identification with the male or female lead in a romantic sex movie, provide yourself with the setting to get into the movie as much as possible. You want to become so receptive to the action that you bond with the feelings and actions of the actor or actress during the erotic acts shown on the screen. Your viewing cannot be completely passive or purely intellectual if it is to have the effect upon you that you need. You cannot view it as if you were viewing a sunset because that kind of activity is oriented to make you tranquil and appreciative—not erotically aroused. But now you want to be an active participant in the action of the movie, even if it is only in your mind. You cannot be stuffing popcorn into your mouth while sitting on a metal folding chair and wonder why that great sex scene isn’t doing anything for you. You have to actively view the scenes by engaging your mind and relating your body sensations to what is happening in the movie. When a scene is especially arousing, we want you to imagine that your spouse or partner is the other person in the movie involved in the sexual acts. When such a scene appears and you are really turned on by it, turn off the video and relive the scene in your mind. Picture you and your lover in this role and act it out over and over again in your fantasy. Soon enough, you will be bringing this cinematic energy into your flesh-and-blood love life.