Love Swing

Instead of waiting for the perfect partner—someone who most likely will never materialize—we’d do better spending time early in the relationship examining our expectations more closely, tossing aside our unrealistic, unimportant needs and instead focusing our efforts on what we must and can have.

Unfortunately, we often don’t notice how far a woman falls short of our ideal until we’re well into the relationship, “Somehow the chemistry of falling in love clouds a lot of cognitive judgment. People come together but don’t talk about vital, obvious things.”

And we’re talking vital—like whether she wants to have children, believes in fidelity, enjoys sex, or goes to church on Sunday. Why do we overlook such traits as her complete lack of cooking skills, her nasty habit of eating crumb- producing foods in bed, her low level of sexual desire until much, much too late? We miss them because there’s nothing rational about falling in love.

“When a couple meets, they fall into romantic love, and that’s not real love,” “Romantic love is based on the desire to have the perfect love you may not have received as a child. It is supported by chemical changes in your body. It feels really great. But eventually, reality sets in and you realize you are not getting the love you want.”

Also, early in a relationship most of us feel uncomfortable talking about touchy topics such as babies, sex, and chores. Who wants to get in a fight and suddenly lose the greatest person in the universe? So we date on and assume she’s our everything—until we find out, too late, she’s not. Instead, you and she will have a much easier time of it if you spend time finding out how you’re able to fulfill each other’s dreams— and how you’re not. Here’s how you can do exactly that.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards probably aren’t the first guys you’d turn to for advice on how to build a strong, lasting re lationship (although Under My Thumb does have a certain appeal, at times). But in this case, the Glimmer Twins hit the nail on the head: “You can’t always get what you want, but you can get what you need.”

That, friends, is what it comes down to: identifying what you’d like to have and what you need to have in your relationship. Think about the qualities in a mate that are important to you. Are you looking for someone who will have dinner on the table or someone who brings home the bacon? Someone who holds her own with the boys or someone who leaves the room when your buddies come over? Now talk about your major expectations with her and find out where she stands.

See the future in your past. Regardless of whether you admit it, you’ll expect your relationship to work out much the same as your parents’. If your mother always picked up your father’s dirty socks and lined up his shoes, guess what? You’ll be expecting your wife to do the same. If her parents never fought about issues, she‘ll expect to sweep problems under the rug.

You can identify such expectations by talking about your families. Tell her how men acted in your family. Hear her talk about how women acted in hers. This is how you root out conflicting expectations—like discovering that her mom and dad took turns cooking dinner, while your mom did all the cooking. Going over family history helps you temper future expectations.

Finish the sentence. Here’s a little gimmick that can help you uncover your expectations. To find out what preconceived notions you and your partner have regarding marriage, complete the following sentence: “Marriage is…” You can also do the same with other topics, such as parenthood, fidelity, and commitment.

Fantasize together. Obviously, some of the things you dream up you never truly expect to act on—having a beautiful stranger perform oral sex on you in the middle of a crowded train station, let’s say. Some sexual fantasies, however, really count as secret wishes. Talking about your sexual fantasies lets you and your partner know where boundaries exist—and where they don’t. Doing this before making a serious commitment together can help you make sure that you are playing on the same field. Of course, it can also destroy a relationship if too much is revealed too soon. Use common sense. As you build a bond, you can ‘afford’ to be more and more honest about your real selves without threatening your relationship.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
A Long-Lasting Relationship: Sizing Her Up